


Alone at the Edge of the Night

by 1f_this_be_madness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Affection, Affectionate Insults, And he's just there to be the fourth Marauder but I hate him, And of course Dumbledore, Banter, Blood and Gore, Bullying, But I want him and Snape to be friends because that would seriously piss Sirius off, Can't recall how much younger Regulus is than Sirius, Dramatic Sirius Black, Dreams and Nightmares, Dumbledore is mentioned, Epic Friendship, Family Issues, Gen, Hugs, I feel kinda bad for Snape even though he's a P.O.S. later, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, James and Sirius are assholes, James and Sirius are good friends to Remus, Lupin is going through some stuff, Lupin is the nicest Marauder, Madam Pomfrey knows Lupin is a werewolf, Marauders' Era, POV Remus Lupin, Peter is a Little Shit, Professor McGonagall is the best, Remus Lupin & James Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Secrets, Self Confidence Issues, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship, So does McGonagall, Taunting, Violent Thoughts, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-08-26 02:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16672762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1f_this_be_madness/pseuds/1f_this_be_madness
Summary: Remus Lupin has a secret. A dark one that he keeps even from his closest friends.But it is close to the full moon, and he cannot keep living like this. So in the middle of the night on the balcony of the Astronomy Tower, Lupin opens up to someone - and it changes his life forever.





	1. Books, Bullying, and Banter.

Remus stares at his Herbology homework wearily. He feels an itch between the blades of his shoulders, up close to his neck. He strives desperately to ignore it; to not continuously dwell on how close it is getting to the full moon....

He feels the thwack! of a hand on the back of his head and hears a jovial "Lupin, give it a rest, mate - you've been staring at that rubbish textbook for HOURS. Sprout's workload isn't _that_ intimidating."

"...I dunno, James - seems like he's been staring at just the _one page_. His hair looks worse than yours," a second voice says, its owner sitting down beside him, nudging his arm. "Remus, are you alright?"

He looks up to see the lanky rough-haired form of James Potter standing over him, hazel eyes sparkling with their usual mischievous glint. Beside him, though, the darker eyes of Sirius Black hold slight worry as he nudges his friend's shoulder.

The boy reading sighs and leans away from his book. "It's - nothing. Really," he says, trying in vain to convince himself as Sirius raises a skeptical eyebrow. "I'm just tired, is all." Which is not completely untrue; he sleeps far less-soundly as the moon waxes larger, has horrific dreams filled with agony and blood and the sounds of terrified screams....

"Remus, hey," Sirius shakes him by the shoulder. "If that's all it is, you want to get supper with us and Peter?"

"Yeah, mate. Join us, and you can crash early afterwards, get some good rest." James says. "C'mon, you're getting to be a right know-it-all. If you keep paying extra attention to homework, you're gonna make the rest of us look bad!"

Sirius rises and snorts. "Just you and Peter, James," he says as he tosses his dark waves of hair back over one shoulder. "I always look brilliant."

Remus actually grins at the dumbfounded and slightly hurt expression on James's face as he gets up as well, stuffing his textbook into his schoolbag and slinging its strap over his shoulder. 

The trio heads out of the library, scoring a disapproving sniff from Madam Pince as James and Sirius pass a table in front of a window. A red-headed girl and sallow-faced boy sit studying together silently. James knocks against the boy's arm as he writes, giving the girl what he obviously deems to be a suave nod.

Sirius smirks and says "Snivellus. Evans," softly.

The boy glares at him in hatred and the girl hisses "Sod off, Sirius!"

Lupin glances at them both with an awkward bob of his head, sorry for the ridiculous and rude actions of his two friends. Without breaking stride or making a production of it, he waves his wand to sop up the excess ink that had spilt across the boy's parchment and the desk beneath it after James's jab. "Hi, Lily," Remus says. "- Severus." 

Lily's expression softens as she takes in the exhaustion in Remus' eyes and face and notices his small kindness. Severus, however, simply transfers his glare to the floor as the three boys continue past.

***

Remus plunks a hunk of rare steak onto his plate at the Gryffindor table and carefully cuts it into small bites. James and Sirius are snickering over the memory of Severus Snape's impotent glare in the library. Peter listens to their embellished tale, enthralled by his friends' work. Lupin focuses on his glass of pumpkin juice as Lily and Snape enter the Great Hall together now, parting to sit at their respective House tables. Lily smiles after Severus and then the light in her expression dims as she catches sight of James and Sirius. She sits several seats down from them, shaking her long hair over the side of her face closest to them as if to create a curtain. 

It takes James only a moment to notice her presence. "All right, Evans?" He asks her; tone deeper, richer, attempting to seem more mature.

Puffing twin jets of air from her nostrils and tossing her head in anger, Lily snaps "I would be BETTER if you two fatheads would stop hassling my friend."

"Aw, c'mon," Sirius leans over and wheedles at her, nudging James with his elbow. "Snivellus is just so EASY. Such a great target, eh James?"

Remus closes his eyes and drops his head to eat. He doesn't understand his two closest friends' love for tormenting Severus Snape. Does James really think doing that will ingratiate him to Lily? It was clear to Lupin that almost since he saw her, he had a thing for her. Severus is her oldest friend at Hogwarts and honestly seems to care for her as well. Remus is clear on that. He cannot believe that James can be so obtuse.

Sirius, of course, hates Snape on principle - not only is he a Slytherin like all the rest of Sirius' family, but is close to Sirius's younger brother Regulus in particular - or at least appears to be so. Remus knows Sirius has a complicated and dark relationship with his family, but taking it out on Snape doesn't sit right with him. It never has.

James smirks as he ladles soup into a bowl and Lily shakes her head, disgusted. She deliberately turns to look at Remus, who freezes as she asks him "How are YOU doing tonight, Remus? I saw how hard you were working in the library." 

James's eyebrows draw together as Remus clears his throat and says "Erm... I'm fine. Well, mostly fine. Thanks for asking. How did your studying go, Lily?"

She blows air out of her cheeks. "Oof. I'm a much better hand at Charms than Potions, I can tell you that. Luckily Sev is a potion-brewing expert, though."

Remus chuckles, his teeth flashing. "I know what you mean. I'm not so good at Potions - or Herbology either. ...And I have a feeling I'll be working late in the Astronomy Tower for the next fortnight."

"Same here." Lily smiles.

"I'll have to get a lot done before the week of the full moon -" Lupin adds before he can stop himself. His eyes bulge and he cuts off his own words by taking an enormous gulp of pumpkin juice before beginning to cough violently. James and Sirius are pulled out of their joint idiocy after but a second, patting him on the back and checking his face as he struggles for breath. His eyes are watering and filling with pain.

Lily sees the desperation in Remus's expression - not only to catch his breath again, but for something more; some sort of deeper understanding. 

Pressing both of his palms flat on the table and leaning forward, Lupin manages to get his air back at last. He looks up to see not only the concerned faces of his friends and Lily, but Professor McGonagall has made her way swiftly down half the length of the Great Hall to check on him. Her stern gaze snaps over him as her brisk, flutelike voice demands "Mr. Lupin, are you all right? You appear abnormally pale. Do you require a visit to the hospital wing?"

Remus flushes. He does not want to be a bother or incite undue concern. "I'm sorry for the worry, Professor," he says quietly. "...I don't want to cause any trouble."

"Nonsense, Lupin, there's no trouble at all. What matters is that you are well. Mr. Black," she shifts her sharp gaze to Sirius, "Since I cannot trust you and Mr. Potter together, I suppose it is too much to hope that one of you aLONE can escort Mr. Lupin to the hospital wing?" The professor pinches her lips together and stares at James and Sirius over the top of her cats-eye glasses. She pats Remus on the arm. "This is simply a precaution, you understand."

Remus nods and James and Sirius glance quickly at each other before looking back to her and talking at the same time. "I -" "of COURSE we can take him, Professor!" "- can't believe you don't trust us, I know the way after all," "- it's not like we've never been before -"

A polite throat-clearing emanates from behind McGonagall and then another voice speaks up: "I would be happy to walk with him, Professor."

"Ah, Miss Evans!" The older witch turns with relief flashing over her face. "Well, if that is amenable to Mr. Lupin, off you go." 

Remus smiles slightly at the professor and at Lily, picking up his bag and extricating himself from his seat. McGonagall turns her head to watch him and Lily leave before snapping her fingers at James and Sirius, skewering them in place with sharp eyes and sharper words, as both had automatically risen to make a break for it and follow their friend.


	2. Fights and the Infirmary.

"Remus, are you sure you're all right?" Lily asks worriedly as they head down the hall. Her bright green eyes are glued to his face as he traipses beside her. He has no idea what to say. Keeping lycanthropy a secret has always been something he knows he has to do, even before swearing to Professor Dumbledore that he would. That vow had just made it even more important to him. He doesn't want to let Dumbledore down. Earning and keeping the Headmaster's trust is one of the most vital things Remus feels he has ever been tasked to do.

But he has FRIENDS now. Good friends. Close friends for the first time in his life; and he despises lying to them with every fibre of his being. "Lily, I -" he begins.

She stops him then, and says what Remus considers to be the kindest possible thing: "You don't have to tell me anything, Remus. It's okay. I know that we're...not exactly friends, but...if you ever do want to talk - about anything - I'd be happy to listen." She smiles, a warm expression that lights up her face and makes her eyes shine all the brighter. "Now let's get you to Madam Pomfrey, okay?"

***

Once they reach the hospital wing, Lily offers to stay, but Remus tells her "No, Lily, you've done more than enough. Thank you."

She nods and hesitates for a moment. "... Okay, no worries. And thank YOU, Remus. I saw what you did earlier. For Sev. He'll never say anything, but...I know he appreciated it. So did I." And then she is gone, red hair swinging as she carefully shuts the door behind her.

"That's a good girl there," Madam Pomfrey remarks. "Now, let me have a look at you." Remus stands still obediently as she lifts each of his eyelids and checks his teeth. "Mph. You're quite peaked. Same time frame before the change?"

"Yes, but I feel worse each go-round," confesses the young man. "...It hurts, and I get tired much more often, and more quickly. What does that mean, Madam?"

"Hormones," she sighs, lighting the tip of her wand and shining it into his eyes. "Your wolfish libido is maturing just like your human one. But it is happening much faster, I'm afraid, and thus it saps your energy." She waves at a hovering tongue dispenser that has a tiny hand on its end, and it grabs Lupin's tongue as he sticks it out. "Unfortunately, the most I can do is provide a potion to help you sleep, and suggest eating more." The hospital matron studies the boy intently. "...Are you still having nightmares?"

"Yes," Remus admits. "Uhm, they - they get worse closer to the moon. Much more vivid and intense. Madam Pomfrey, I'm afraid -" he stops, chokes on his words, and then forges ahead: "What if I hurt someone?"

The matron's eyes soften, and she automatically reaches out and cups Remus's cheek in a comforting gesture. He closes his eyes at the touch and his entire body grows still, savouring the smidgen of much-needed comfort. 

Pulling her hand away, the witch goes over to a cabinet that houses a collection of small jars of various shapes; some made of glass, others of clay. With a wave of her wand, Madam Pomfrey pours the contents of one of the jars into a smaller vial. "This is why we take precautions," she says, stoppering the vial with a cork and holding it out to him. "Here, put a few drops of this into some water or tea before you go to sleep. It will hopefully lessen the frequency and severity of your dreams and allow you to sleep more soundly."

Remus accepts the vial gratefully. "Thank you for all of this, Madam Pomfrey. I mean it."

She gazes at the young man warmly and then blinks, shooing him away with a flap of her hands. "Oh, pish posh. Of course; I'm happy to help. Now run along back to your dormitory." 

Remus leaves, feeling slightly better about his situation. He doesn't feel any less guilty when lying to his friends about it, though.

***

"What do you MEAN, she told you there's nothing wrong?!" James demands. He and Sirius had camped out in the Common Room to wait for Lupin, and accost him the moment he enters. "You nearly choked to death in front of the whole school! Not to mention you look death warmed-over."

"Your face IS a decent approximation of an Inferius at the moment, mate," Sirius adds apologetically.

"You're getting all sorts of sympathy," James explodes as he paces back and forth in front of Lupin. "I mean, _Lily Evans_ was worried enough to walk you to the infirmary. Don't TELL me that means nothing!" He turns away, shaking his head. "Can't be that," he mutters.

So that's it then. "That's what's bothering you, eh James? Not whether I'm ill or faking, or - or I don't know what, but why Lily cares. Here's an idea - because she's a kind and decent person, and _I_ don't make it a daily occurrence to torment her best friend!" Remus spits the words. He hasn't said anything before, but he is tired and angry and hates lying almost as much as he hates the self-important woundedness James is currently putting on.

James scoffs, drawing his head back, eyes widening. "Oh, don't try to turn this around on ME, Remus. We're talking about YOU here."

"Are we?" Lupin asks, tone hard. He sees shock in James's face at that, and Sirius puts out a placating hand. Sucking in a long breath, Remus bites his lips and his eyes lower. His voice is much softer as he adds "...No, James, I don't think we are. And that's the problem." Stepping carefully around his friend and heading to the stairwell of the boys' dormitory, he stops for a bit. "While you figure out what's the most important part about this, I'm going to bed. G'night, Sirius."

"'Night Remus," Sirius calls, leaning to the side and nodding at Lupin after a moment. His dark eyes are worried as his gaze follows his friend's retreating back.

***

As soon as Remus disappears upstairs, James rounds on Sirius. "Can you BELIEVE him?? And thanks so much for the assist, mate. Cheers."

Sirius shrugs. "You were doing a fine job of hurling shite on your own; I didn't want to step in it." His voice grows somber now. "He's on to something, you know. You're more worried about Lily paying attention to him than about him right now." James opens his mouth to deny it, but Sirius stares him down. "Come on, James - this is me you're talking to. I know you better than anyone. And you've got to put your jealousy aside, man. Because Remus needs us, and... I'm worried about him." Sirius pauses, voice catching. "And you can't tell me you believe there's actually nothing wrong."

James shifts his feet and runs a hand through his ever-messy hair, flattening it down for once. He breathes hard and pushes his glasses up higher on his nose, looking at Sirius with open worry in his hazel eyes. "... I don't," he confesses. 

The other boy steps close and puts a bracing hand on his shoulder, gripping it tight. "You know what this means, James. We need to do some actual research."

James Potter lets out a rueful bark of laughter but nods at his best friend with conviction. "Let's get to the library."

"First thing tomorrow, mate," Sirius amends the words as he lets go of James's shoulder. "I don't know about you, but I'm beat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure Remus has been to see Madam Pomfrey on at LEAST a monthly basis since he first came to Hogwarts, based on what he said to Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the third book. So she knows him and his "hairy little problem" very well. 
> 
> I also think, though I am not the most well-versed on werewolf ailments, that puberty is hellish enough for humans and canine hormones would make it twice as much so for werewolves. Poor exhausted on-edge Lupin....


	3. Showing [Up For] Class.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin has a bit of an issue in Transfiguration. Cue thoughts manifested due to his "hairy little problem". And they are rather graphic, so please bear that in mind. However, NO CATS WERE HARMED

Remus wakes up the next morning with a fresher countenance thanks to Madam Pomfrey's brew, but feels a weight settle into the pit of his stomach as he recalls his angry words to James the night before. He wouldn't classify that as a row, exactly, since there had not been nearly enough shouting. But he still regrets losing his temper and so looks for James in order to apologise.

But neither James nor Sirius are in their beds. No one is, actually. The only person he sees in the dormitory is Frank Longbottom, his tie askew and socks and shoes in his hands as he flies down the staircase to the Common Room.

Remus takes note of the time and gets dressed without any more thoughts on the whereabouts of his friends. He must not be late for Transfiguration. He rushes through the corridors, dodging ghosts and students alike, but just as he reaches the Great Hall its doors are being closed for the house elves’ after-breakfast cleanup. Lupin stands for a moment, thinking of Madam Pomfrey’s orders to eat, and then heads to Professor McGonagall’s classroom with a small sigh of defeat.

He bursts into the room as she is walking up and down between the desks. Lupin holds his bag overhead as he hustles swiftly to his seat, mouthing “Sorry Professor,” to the stern witch.

“Well, it appears that not one, but three of our lovely marauders are late to class today; out causing havoc, I suspect. Sit.” Remus does, his cheeks flaming with embarrassment as he notices James and Sirius have just stumbled in behind him, both gasping and blowing out air like winded thestrals. James waves lazily and Sirius mock-bows. “Dare I enquire as to the reason for your tardiness, boys?” McGonagall asks.

“Sirius and I were in the library,” James responds promptly. “Broadening our minds and all.” Sirius nods in agreement.

“…Very well. And what about you, Mr. Lupin?”

“Er—I’m sorry to tell you this, Professor, but I overslept.”

McGonagall presses her lips together and strides to the front of the room with hands clasped. “I see. At least you were honest. Please have a seat.” She stares at James and Sirius as they sidle into their row. “Now, as I was saying before our latecomers came in, the Ministry of Magic keeps records of all Animagi, and there have only been fifty-three documented in this century. That is because to become an Animagus is one of the most painfully difficult feats of Transfiguration to perform. I myself have lost fingers and was forced to re-attach them after Transfiguring.” She turns with a slight rustle and pop! A tabby cat stands upon the lectern, swishing its tail and staring around at all of them with its intelligent, slightly disapproving eyes.

One of the girls squeaks at the feline's cuteness, but Remus clenches his hands in his lap, his face growing pale. Every wolfish instinct in his body is telling him to lunge at that cat, to grab the scruff of its neck in his teeth and whip his head to snap its bones like sticks. To feel the blood spurt and gush between his sharp fangs as he tears through flesh.... He closes his eyes and shakes his head, swallowing hard. "Stop it. _Stop it,_ " he tells himself. Come on, Remus, keep it together until you are alone during the moon.

Remus opens his eyes and gasps to see that Professor McGonagall is back to herself now, writing an elaborate incantation on the board and saying "...we won't be doing that, but today we will be Transfiguring mice into goblets instead."

"Are you sure we should be messing with mice in here, Professor?" James inquires loudly. She levels an icy look at him and Remus lets out a heavy sigh. "Since you're a cat sometimes, I mean."

There are titters and smothered gasps from the rest of the class, and the professor presses her lips together. "Such cheek," she says. "I assure you, Mr. Potter, that I will be able to control myself. Now, let us begin. Miss Fawcett, will you and Mr. Longbottom pass out the mice, please?" As the rest of the class gets out their wands and prepare to cast spells, McGonagall passes close in front of Lupin's desk. She presses her hand flat onto his textbook and murmurs "Mr. Lupin, come with me if you please." 

Remus swallows and quietly complies. Lily looks up from her work and smiles at him as he passes by her. McGonagall brings him over to the door of her office and opens it to screen the two of them from the rest of the class. "...Yes, Professor? Again I'm sorry I was late today, I just -"

"Apology accepted, Lupin. Please don't trouble yourself." McGonagall raises her hand with a small smile. "If Mr. Potter and Mr. Black were only so contrite." Her face grows serious as she says "However, I noticed that you were sweaty and pale a few moments ago. Were you unable to receive some relief from Madam Pomfrey yesterday?"

"Oh! No, I mean - yes, she gave me a sleeping potion to help with the... I have nightmares," he confesses, blotting the now-clammy skin of his forehead on his sleeve. He needs to control himself better. "And the, er, transformation you just did -"

"Ah!" Understanding brightens the older woman's eyes. "I understand. Perhaps I should give you warning next time so that you can prepare yourself, hmm?" Patting his shoulder, she adds "I should be the one to apologise to you, then."

Lupin's eyes bulge and he puts up his hands. "What - no, you don't, there's no need, I promise."

"Well, still, I am sorry that you are going through such a trying time and that demonstration I just gave certainly made nothing easier." She nods to him and smiles again before briskly adding "Now, have a biscuit, Lupin. And go back to your Transfiguring."

"A biscuit...?" The professor holds out a tin underneath his nose with several types of biscuits with various fillings and additions. Chocolate chips, butterscotch, and macadamia nuts for some. Remus' stomach growls and he blushes slightly with embarrassment.

"In fact, take two." She shakes the tin and he complies. "Now off you go back to work." He nods and heads around her office door as she puts the tin away. "Oh and Mr. Lupin - do let me know if you need anything."

Putting one of the sweet treats into his pocket and the other in his mouth, Remus nods appreciatively at her. He swallows the food article and says with feeling, "Thank you very much, Professor."

The witch retains her sternness, but he spots a twinkle in her eyes. "But of course. Carry on."

***

As they leave the Transfiguration classroom for History of Magic, Lupin catches up to James and Sirius, the former laughing hysterically at the scratches all over the latter’s face. “My mouse apparently didn’t appreciate me,” Sirius says. “It’s not funny – shut up, James! I’ll have to put some sort of magical salve on these scratches.”

“…Or maybe you’ll just turn into a were-mouse,” James jokes. “That’s how something like that works, right?”

“No, it’s not.” Lupin is surprised that he spoke, much less in such a loud tone of voice. Several other students – and a few professors – turn to look at the three of them. Sirius smiles, slightly discomfited, and James raises his eyebrows.

“I see the combat of last night is still a-go, then.”

“No, I’m sorry, James. It’s just – being bitten by a werewolf – or weremouse, or whatever – it’s awful. If they’re transformed when biting you, there’s no way for you to get rid of the effects. You become…a monster every month.” Lupin’s voice chokes off and he lowers his head, hauling the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder. “I’ve…read books about werewolves,” he says to cover his tracks; and because it is also true. Why must he keep lying like this? “So just – don’t joke about that, please.”

James looks at Sirius, who shrugs and doesn’t meet his eyes. The lanky Potter lad rolls his lips and then eventually nods, patting Remus on the shoulder. “Alright, mate. I’m sorry. I won’t joke like that if it means so much to you.”

Lupin nods back with a small sad smile. “Thank you.”

“Besides,” James grins, relinquishing his hold on Remus and grabbing onto Sirius, “…that reaction probably just means that Sirius should Animagi himself into a mouse! It’s his true form!” He crows the last and earns himself a sharp shove.

“Oh, sod off,” Sirius grouses. “YOU would be a flea then, James, because you’re always hanging out with me.”

A loud laugh emanates from behind them before James has the chance to retaliate, and Lily Evans passes by. “Sirius, you got something right,” she says as she disappears into a clump of students ahead. James scowls, now discomfited; or disgruntled, more likely. Lupin looks at him with some sympathy. However much James might deserve to get knocked down a peg, he really does care about Lily.

"Ahh it's all right, mate," Sirius speaks breezily as James' gaze follows Lily's retreating back. "...she'll come round on you someday."

"When?" James asks, countenance down. Sirius shrugs and looks helplessly at Lupin.

"I dunno... just, maybe try and - be nicer to her?"

"I'm nice!" James erupts, waving his hands.

"Not to Severus," Lupin murmurs. "And neither are you, Sirius."

"Can you BLAME us??" Sirius now sputters.

Lupin sighs. "I don't want to get in another row, but think about it. What is Lily most upset about when you're talking to her? I just...it might be a good idea for you to - lay off him a bit." Holding onto his bag and speeding up, he adds "Let's go though, alright? I don't want to be late for another class today if I can help it."


	4. The Transformation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin goes through his monthly transformation.
> 
> ***WARNING*** TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER; REFERENCED SELF-HARM
> 
> Lupin explained his transformations to Harry, Ron, and Hermione as being horribly painful, and said that he bit and scratched himself instead of hurting others. I will attempt to describe this self-harm as how Remus has to deal with it each and every month. I wish he didn't, and wish that he was not so alone. That he didn't feel so lonely. No one should feel as though they need to hurt themselves for ANY reason, especially because of something - like this - that is beyond their control. 
> 
> I write this to show the depth of Lupin's pain, and to help him when he eventually opens up to someone, because after doing that he will no longer feel so utterly alone.

It is now the week of the full moon, and so Remus Lupin has to get out of class. He tells the usual lie; that his mother is sick and he has to go home to visit her for a week. Never mind the fact that she is apparently the Comeback Kid with how often she has been ill – close to death, even – and has pulled through, only to get sick again at the same time a month later. Yeah, this story has no flaws in it AT ALL.

But Lupin does receive his time off, and gathers his workload before traipsing down to meet Madam Pomfrey for the walk to the Whomping Willow close to midnight. James is snoring, spread-eagled on his back across his bunk, while Sirius is a motionless lump swaddled completely in his covers. Lupin hopes that there is enough space for his friend to breathe as he tiptoes out of the dormitory.

It is a dark night with a chill wind rustling the leaves of the trees in the Forbidden Forest. The Whomping Willow creaks the loudest, as loud as Lupin's heart beats as he walks next to Madam Pomfrey. She carries a lidded box and some blankets as well as her wand, with which she levitates a stone to press down the knobbly knot upon the Willow's enormous trunk. Its branches freeze and the night grows abnormally quiet as they both duck beneath the branches and walk into the tunnel below. Remus feels his mouth go dry as they progress farther underground to reach the trapdoor that exits into the small house he has christened a shack; well-built and seemingly cosy, but the worst place in the world for him. 

Madam Pomfrey sets her box down in the main room and spreads out the folded blankets onto the floor from atop it before magicking up several small glowing bulbs for him to see by. "I brought you some meat," she said, opening the box lid. "...I incorporated a pressure plate on this one, so you can open it with your paw or snout, right here. That way you won't need to break it apart the way you did last month." She points the place out on the box's front. "...There's also some water, biscuits, and egg salad. Is there anything else you need?" Remus wordlessly shakes his head, and the matron gently pats his shoulder. "Then I will see you in seven days' time," Madam Pomfrey says, and heads back to the trapdoor. As she pauses whilst opening it, Remus gets a lump in his throat, and before he can think better of it or worry that he is overstepping his bounds as a student, he runs and wraps his arms around Madam Pomfrey and squeezes her in a tight desperate hug. 

He lets go and turns away from her almost instantly, but she sees the sheen of tears on his face in the light of her wand. Saying nothing about it, Madam Pomfrey squeezes the boy's shoulder, waves to him, and leaves, gently shutting the trapdoor behind her.

Remus blows out a slow puff of air from his cheeks and crosses over to the room where Pomfrey had placed her box. There is a metal strongbox with a combination lock bolted securely to the floor across from a thick silver chain with a shackle on the end. 

Biting his lip until he tastes the sweet saltiness of blood, Lupin sits on the floor and waves his wand over the shackle, unlocking it. He shudders as he clamps the cold metal around his leg, feeling the pain blistering his hands. Encircling one ankle with the silver, he then locks the shackle back up and waves his wand over the strongbox. It opens up with an infinitesimal _click_ and he slowly lowers his wand inside before locking the box again, manually this time. His hands and fingers are shaking as the box clicks closed, and he curls up in a ball, face pressed into his knees as he waits for the horrible transformation that is to come.

Shivering and shaking, he unbends his knees and strips down to nakedness, tucking his clothes underneath the blankets. In his wolf form, he will not bother with them. Curling up on the floor atop the blanket he waits and breathes, counting the seconds until he will not be able to speak, or think, or grab into anything - counting the time until he is no longer human.

***

The transformation begins with a deep, sharp abdominal pain. Every muscle in his body contracts as he wakes up from a light doze; his joints stiffen and lock as his hair stands on end and his back curls, the vertebrae in his spine lengthening and swelling. His bones begin stretching like taffy, but the tendons and muscles pop as pain shoots outward from Remus's very core. He shouts in agony as his teeth grow curved and sharp. His pupils dilate, his scream turns into a growl, and his skin begins to itch as dark grey hair - _fur_ \- sprouts from every pore and lengthens at a rapid rate. His feet and hands curl in and bend, fingers and toes fusing and lengthening into paws as large as hubcaps. His head itches and then feels as though it is splitting apart as his ears are dragged to the top of his skull and become pointed too.

Agony like a broken bone is a precursor to the growth of his tail, it whips out of his posterior and curves towards the sky. Blood drips from the last remnants of his skin as hair covers it all, and he whips around to snap at his tail, claws clacking on the wood and leg jerking against the cold metal bond that imprisons him. He smells the scents of blood, and fear, and agony, as well as of food and _boy_.

His mind now holds nothing but hunger and fury and want, so he lifts his huge furred head towards the sky and howls.

***

And then he paces. Yipping and growling and wanting to run, to get out and be free, but unable to get past the silver, as its touch burns his mouth whenever he tries biting through the chain around his leg. He wants to hurt, to bite and break bones and cause creatures to _bleed_ but he cannot. In complete and utter frustration he bites himself, feeling his teeth sink into flesh, and as he tears at himself and feels the pain, he hates it.

His human mind feels sick and horrified, way down deep, and he hates himself for what he is doing. So he lets go with his teeth and begins scratching himself instead; deep gouges into his flanks and legs...and then, later, into the wood of the floor as across it he continually prowls.

***

Remus wakes to feel rough wooden slats beneath him and a fogginess in his mind. He tastes salty wetness on his lips and touching fingers to his mouth, he sees a rich carmine colour and panicks instantly - who had he hurt? What had he done? 

And then Madam Pomfrey is there, her face above his, and she is speaking gently: "Lie still for a tick, Remus - this may smart a bit," and he hears a _whoosh_ and feels sharp pinpricks travelling up and down his arms. He lifts his head and spots black thread weaving gaping gashes on his skin together of its own accord, directed by the matron's wand. The bloody marks are long and ragged and made by ...teeth. Sharp, canine teeth. HIS teeth. 

The boy turns his head away as his stomach starts to roil, but he cannot suppress a relieved smile that subsequently turns to sobs. He had not escaped the Shack; had not hurt anyone else. This is good. More than good, and yet the fear remains - the sharp, bitter surety that next time will be different, that he will not be able to stop himself. 

In his heart, Remus Lupin is certain that he will harm someone during a future full moon as a werewolf.


	5. Here For You.

Lupin returns to classes as usual, thinner and paler than before the moon, but not quite so exhausted now. He had missed nothing (or so James said) other than the hilarity of making Snape get detention (Sirius said). Though Remus later found out that his two friends were not as sneaky as they claimed and, in charming the suits of armour into tap-dancing around the second floor, they had not stopped to think that a certain poltergeist might have seen them.

And so...

"Peeves ratted on us!" Sirius seethes. "We were gonna make it look like Snivellus was there and responsible for the charm, easy-peasy, and then Peeves had to go cackling to McGonagall and ruin it!"

"...Pride goes before the fall, I'm told. Or so they say," Lupin mutters sagely as he turns a page in his textbook where he has propped it against his bent knees. A blustery wind picks up and blows the pages, his scarf, and Sirius' long hair askew as they sit facing each other on the lawn, waiting for James to join them after Quidditch practice. 

Sirius waves off his friend's words good-naturedly but with his lips pursed in faux irritation. "It's good to have you back, mate," he says seriously. Clearing his throat and tipping his head towards Lupin, he adds "How's your mum doing? Better now, I hope?"

"Y-yeah," Remus stutters awkwardly. He will never get used to this. How decent it is of Sirius to ask, and yet he has to lie. "She - it was a bit touch-and-go this time," he says. Trying to tell as much of the truth as he can. "I honestly don't remember most of it. My head was in a fog, and there was this... howling, screaming...," his voice trails off and he rolls his lips, blinking and focusing on the pages of the text in front of him. "So, erm..." He does his best to chuckle. "She's out of the woods now, though. So that's good." Lifting his eyes, he catches sight of his friend's dark ones, and their expression is full of genuine worry, shock. And fear. He has never seen his brash friend afraid before, but Sirius looks so now.

And Lupin realises why; he had automatically reached out to pick up a notebook, give his hands something to do whilst he spoke. And as he did so his left sleeve had come up his arm a little, exposing part of the bandage Madam Pomfrey had put on after sewing up his self-inflicted bite wounds. He bites his lip and pulls his sleeve back down, but the damage has been done. "Sirius...," He starts, not sure what he is saying. What _can_ he say? "Sirius, I -"

Sirius cuts him off by throwing himself at Remus and wrapping his arms tightly around his friend. He presses his face against the other boy's neck and his chin rests on Remus's right shoulder. After freezing for a moment, Remus raises his hands to clutch Sirus back. 

They stay in their embrace for a good minute at least, and then Sirius claps Remus on the back and says, his voice muffled and a trifle wobbly, "You're not alone, mate. I know your situation is right shite at the moment, but I'm here for you. So is James. And Peter, probably. So, whatever you need, you can always come to us." He sniffs and moves back to look into Remus's eyes, swiping an arm across his own. "Always. But don't do anything stupid, yeah? Don't do - that - to yourself." He nods at his friend's arm, now covered by his shirtsleeve once again. 

Remus wants so badly to explain that this isn't what it looks like; but it is infinitely more convoluted and impossible to spell out without breaking his promise to Dumbledore. So all that he can do is suck back his own tears and say fervently "Thank you, Sirius." And "I know that you all are here for me, and that...that means so much." He tries to say more, but his words choke off with emotion.

"Hey, Remus, it's all right," Sirius says, patting him on the side of the face, and then in an attempt at bravado that he does not truly feel, Sirius chucks the other boy underneath his jaw cheerily. "Chin up, mate." Lupin weakly chuckles and nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I was tearing up while writing this. Sirius is so sweet when he wants to be, and despite not knowing the truth about why Remus is wearing those bandages, that doesn't matter, the sentiment is there. He wants to help his friend.
> 
> If anyone is struggling with self-harm, please talk to a friend. And to those friends: the power of simply listening and being there for a person goes a long, long way. As someone who has listened to people, I always try to let them know I am there for them and will do whatever I can. (...Hopefully not in as brusque a manner as Sirius used when telling his friend not to be stupid, but for young Mr. Black that word has a lot behind it.)
> 
> This is a tough topic, but everyone needs someone who has their back who they can trust when things get hard.


	6. Friends and Family.

There is a lot to catch up on. Remus and Sirius are eventually joined by James, with Peter behind him, hangdog features fixed in utter awe at the Potter boy's spectacular showing during practice - which of course Sirius groans at and shouts down an explanation of the very second it is offered. 

All talk to Remus excitedly as he leads the way inside for supper and then to head to the library - and possibly the Astronomy Tower if the sky is clear later that night. Professor Sinistra let slip that there is to be a test next week for which Lupin has not studied. Though he will have any questions about the phases of the moon in the bag, so to speak.

As the four boys move through the Entrance Hall about to enter the Great one, a slight cough and movement to their left attracts Lupin's attention. A diminutive boy with the same long dark hair as Sirius' flicks his eyes repeatedly in his friend's direction while remaining still and silent beside the wall. Remus nudges his friend's arm unobtrusively, but James bursts out "Oi! That's your little brother, innit Sirius?" 

Sirius clenches his teeth and snarls as he takes a look. "Y _es,_ it _is_ \- keep your voice down, James."

"Why?" James inquires, but Sirius sighs and does not reply, pressing his lips flat together as he veers over to his brother reluctantly.

Sirius' tone is flat and quiet as he utters "Well, Reg? ...What is it this time?" He jerks his chin at Lupin and Remus grabs James by the arm, pulling him into the Great Hall bodily with Peter following behind. 

James cranes his neck back to keep a lookout at his friend, and jerks his arm away from Lupin, forcibly straightening his robes. "Gerroff, mate! What was that??"

"Sirius doesn't like anyone getting a gander at his family," Remus says quietly as he sits down. "You know that."

James plunks himself down and grabs a plate irritably. "Yeah, well, excuse me for being interested."

"I _know_ you're interested. Frankly, so am I, but I think we should respect their privacy. You know how shut up Sirius is about home."

"...Yeah, I've let him stay over at my place a few times when he's come 'round," James said, his expression far less annoyed now. "... Wonder what his brother wants with him?"

"I dunno, but it doesn't look like Sirius cares for whatever it is," Lupin says as he glances back to see Sirius glowering, foot scuffing over the floor of the hall and nearest hand clenched in the pocket of his robes. "... He's holding onto his wand, look."

James whips around and whistles before Sirius looks up and both of his friends duck their heads back over their plates. "Blimey, he's _miffed_ ," James hisses. "I'd hate to be Regulus right now."

***

A few seemingly-endless moments later, and Sirius stalks across the Great Hall and throws himself into a seat across from Remus at the Gryffindor table, glowering through his hair at his brother across the way as Regulus sits down with the other Slytherins.

"Of ALL the bloody nerve -" Sirius snarls, grabbing a dinner roll and tearing off a huge piece with his teeth. Shaking the rest in the air, he adds with his mouth full, "Who the 'ell's 'ee think 'ee is?"

"What did he say, Sirius?" Peter eagerly asks. 

Sirius swallows his roll and chugs some pumpkin juice, wiping his mouth and slamming down the goblet as he says "My rat-fink little brother had the _nerve_ to tell me to stop messing with his friend. He called me a bully, can you believe that? And guess who his friend is. Take a wild guess."

The others all turn to look at Regulus, who has sat down beside a lank-haired sallow-faced boy who is reading his Potions textbook at the table. He sees the younger Black and puts the book down, nodding to him and passing the boy a plate. 

"... It's Snape," Remus says. James's mouth hangs wide open. "Severus is your brother's friend?"

"Yes!" Sirius snaps. "Apparently, Reg says Snivellus 'looks out' for him. I dunno how, he can't even look out for a decent sham _poo_ to invest in."

Peter projectile-snorts pumpkin juice out of his nose at Sirius' comment, and James automatically recoils as several girls shriek with disgust. The shortest youngest marauder attempts to shoot them an apologetic smile, but they have already scooted themselves farther down the Gryffindor bench, shooting daggered glances back at the boys. Sirius would normally clown around after such an occurrence, or at the very least smirk with pride at his own wit; but this evening he simply stares at the surface of the table in front of him moodily.

James clears his throat, passing a napkin and advising "Mop it up, Pete," before he leans toward Sirius. "But you don't even _LIKE_ your brother, do you, mate? So why're you getting your knickers in a twist about what he says? Who cares what he thinks you are, shouldn't matter that he and Snape are friends."

Remus studies his friend's face closely. He sees a darkness, a helplessness in Sirius's eyes. He knows the way that feels all-too-well.

"I can hate him all I want," Sirius erupts, waving his arms wildly. "But he's still my little brother - and what d'ya think is gonna happen when I go home after the rest'a my shitcan family finds out I'm hassling perfect oh-so-wonderful self-respecting Slytherins?! And who's _Snivellus_ to be looking out for Regulus when he can't look out for himself? And DON'T say what we do is putting him down, all right? I don't wanna hear it!"

There is silence from everyone after those words. Even the nearby ghosts seem to be holding their breath. 

...And then James lets out a slow whistle. "Blimey, Sirius. It's just a wild guess, but I don't think he wants to talk about this, lads."

Lupin nods. Peter looks away, and then Sirius, after slowly turning his head to look at James, bursts out laughing.

The tension dissipates and their meal continues without any more irate outbursts.

***

After supper ends, Remus heads for the Astronomy Tower with his telescope and books in tow. Peter disappears, leaving James and Sirius to find their way up a moving staircase. "...Want to continue our - research?" James asks his friend.

Sirius grunts. "Never thought I'd hear you say that in my life." James chuckles. "...But may as well, I'll not be sleeping for a good while yet."

James's eyebrows draw together but he elects not to say anything until they have found a lamplit table and spread out various texts on magical aliments across its surface. Eventually he cannot stop himself: "Look, mate. I don't pretend to understand exactly what's going on with you and your family, but this is me. You said you know me better than anyone-- well, same thing goes for me with you, Sirius." James leans over and taps the table. "So what's the big deal with you and your brother that ya didn't want to talk about at dinner?" 

The other sighs. "C'mon, Sirius," James wheedles. "You _know_ I'm just gonna keep askin'...or if all else fails, I can jinx it out of you." He waves his wand in the air theatrically. "So c'mon, out with it. What's your beef with your bro?"

Shaking his head and closing his eyes, Sirius slumps. "Do you know what it's like--" he starts and then instantly negates "No, you wouldn't. You're the golden boy, James Potter. Your parents love you. But everything I've ever done has disappointed mine." Sirius opens his eyes again, their dark depths swimming in sorrow. "I was never a 'proper' member of the noble House of Black. I was always told I don't fit. And I don't WANT to fit in with those pretentious evil bastards," he assures "I just..." Sirius shakes his head, ducking his face behind a book. "Never mind, it's stupid."

"What?" James asks, pushing down on the tome with the tip of his wand. He can tell that his friend needs to get all of this out. " _What,_ Sirius?"

"I just want them to be proud of me for something!" Sirius spits out. "I want my mum and dad to say 'that's our son Sirius' _happily_ for once, rather than burning my name out of the family tree. I want Reg to say he's proud to have me as his big brother. But now he's got ol' Snivellus Snape to look up to - the perfect Slytherin, stuck-up and gloomy and obsessed with the Dark Arts. He even wears _black_ all the time. Eugh!" Sirius shudders, his voice cracking now as he adds "I want them to be a bit good, but no. They're evil and bigoted, and - and I hate them!" 

His shuddering has turned into shakes now, and he drops his face into his hands. James rises from his side of the table, moves to the side opposite, and pulls his best friend into a hug without another word.


	7. A Secret Dark As Night.

Remus realises what a mistake he had made when he feels the strength of the wind blowing around the pinnacle of the Astronomy Tower. The first moment he climbs out there, he decides that he should have worn a hat - or his scarf at the very least. Why hadn't he grabbed it before he left Gryffindor Tower?

But the stars are bright tonight, looking like chips of white ochre in the blue-black expanse of the sky; and he does not want to waste such an incredible opportunity to study the movements of said stars. So he turns up his coat collar and begins to set up his telescope carefully.

Golden light from the castle's windows casts an ambient glow over the grounds and sparkles in the blackness of the water of the lake. The wind sends up a susurrus from the foliage of the Forbidden Forest and the sound of a hoot rises above the gliding shadows of owls departng the Owlery to hunt. 

Lupin's hands grow cold as he lifts his telescope out of his bag and into one of the sockets affixed to the top of the tower rails for just that purpose. As he tightens the straps and winches the bolts that will hold his telescope in place, Lupin hears a prolonged creak from the door behind him, and after it screeches open a, "Good to know that someone else is as mad as I am. Hi Remus!"

Smiling from beneath a knitted beanie cap with a puffball on top and earflaps snugly framing her face is Lily Evans. 

"It's good to see you out and about again." Pulling the door to behind her with all of her strength, the red-headed girl puts down her bag of supplies and pulls on a pair of grey fingerless gloves. After which she stoops to extricate her own telescope out of her bag, pushing the thick dark cloth of her overcoat out of the way. 

"Hello Lily," Lupin replies. "Thank you." He quickly adds: "And we can share my telescope instead of hauling yours out. If you want."

Her eyes sparkle in the starlight as she looks up and pauses in her efforts. "Really?" He nods. "That's awfully kind of you." Registering something, Lily pulls out her Astronomy notebook and offers "I'd be happy to lend you any notes that you need from the week you were gone." Peering a little closer at him in the stark light of the night sky, noting his drawn cheeks and recalling their visit to the hospital wing, Lily continues "I - don't mean to pry, but are you okay, Remus? You've been gone almost a week at a time for...every month, it seems." 

His classmate has flipped open her notes now, and waits to see if he will answer. She seems worried. Remus freezes as she stops on her page outlining moon phases and iterations each month. Is she going to figure it out? Remus closes his eyes and curls his fingers around the already-frigid surface of his telescope. His heart pounds in his ears as he relinquishes the metal and curls his arms inward as the wind blows, its chuffing movement billowing his sleeves outward to reveal...drat, not again with the bandages! 

Yet as Lupin smooths the cloth back down again, Lily gazes into his eyes with compassion. She reaches out her nearest hand and presses one of his own. He remembers her saying that she'd happily talk to him; and listen. "Lily, I -" he pauses ruefully. He should not be speaking of this, but he cannot take this silence of omission anymore! "You're right; my absences correspond with the... waxing of the moon. ...And the full moon." Lupin stops speaking and turns away from her for a moment. "I - change then, and can easily hurt people, so...to keep myself from harming others, I do this to myself." Lupin unravels the lower end of one of his bandages and turns back to show Lily the neatly stitched and mostly healed canine bite marks.

Her eyes grow wide and round. "You're--you're a werewolf," Lily breathes, putting his words together with what she is seeing now. She raises her gaze to catch and hold his. "Aren't you?" 

Again Remus closes his eyes, feeling his heart thud heavily in his chest. "Yes," he admits finally. "I am." And he waits for the horror, a scream, fumbling backward steps before she turns to run -

But "That must be an awful burden," Lily replies. "When were you bitten?"

Hands stilling along with his breath, Lupin stares at his fellow Gryffindor; expecting to spot revulsion in her face, or dawning terror. Yet all he finds is compassion as well as a hint of curiosity there. "When I was a child, four years old, I was bitten by Fenrir Greyback." Lily flinches. "I see you know his name. It was my first memory, really. One of them." The boy presses his hands together, eyes shiny with tears. "I don't remember _not_ being like this," he croaks. "I get so - so scared. What if I go mad when next I turn, and I bite someone? Or what if I _kill_ somebody?" Jerkily he sits down and fumbles through his bag for a quill; to write, to do something else, ANYthing else. His hands are shaking and feel clammy now, not simply cold. 

Lupin swallows nausea and feels a tightening in his chest; and then Lily drops down beside him, wrapping his frigid hand once more in her warm one. "But you _haven't_ hurt anyone," she murmurs, squeezing his hand in hers. "You keep on moving forward. You're here at school, around so many people, in your condition. Which is incredibly, so incredibly brave. I'm serious," she adds as Remus shakes his head, automatically negating her words. "It IS, Remus," Lily insists. "I mean that."

She has let go of his hand and now Lupin turns toward her. "...But I can't tell anyone. I made a promise to the Headmaster, in order to protect everyone here, I could never tell. I shouldn't've even admitted what I did just now to you, even though you figured it out yourself...." He looks at her in anguish. "Lily, I couldn't bear -"

"I won't tell anyone, I promise," she assures. He relaxes infinitesimally. "I wouldn't do that to a friend."

"We're friends?" He asks in some surprise. 

Lily chuckles at his shock and nudges Lupin's shoulder with hers. "After what you just told me, how could we NOT be? Also I think you ought to know at least one of your other mates is doing research about what's going on with you. It's not bloody likely he'll find anything significant," she snorts. "- I just thought you should be aware 'cause I saw James at the library late the other night, trying to sneak books on medicinal curses out of the Restricted Section." Lily's face flushes. "Not that - I was _watching_ him, watching him, I just - noticed." She coughs and stands, smoothing her coat. "Anyway, let's get to work on some Astronomy, shall we?"

Remus stands too. "Yes, let's do that," he agrees. So Lily takes note of James too, which means... He does not know what it means, and chooses not to speculate. Whatever the two of them feel and however they feel about each other is none of his business, so he decides to stay out of it. He and Lily begin peering through his telescope and scratching out notes with their quills in companionable silence.

***

Some time later, when the sliver of a moon has risen to its zenith and nine-tenths of the lighted castle windows have winked out, "Agh, I think that's all for me!" Lily groans as she rubs her neck and unbends her knees from the place where she had been crouching to scribble out the coordinates of stars and planets as Lupin calculated and called them out. "Thanks for the lend of your telescope, Remus."

"Anytime, Lily, of course," He replies. "And, erm -" he fumbles with the last pages of his notes as he does with his words, trying and completely failing to figure out how he can adequately convey his elation at not being thought a monster; at not feeling like a fraud anymore for being at Hogwarts without anyone knowing who and what he is; but mostly how grateful he is not to be utterly alone anymore. "I wanted to say that - it means the world to me, that you - what you said tonight, I..."

"It's all right, Remus," she speaks gently and leans over, kissing him on the cheek in a familiar manner. He feels as though his heart might burst from her genuine sweetness and warmth, and his appreciation of it. 

"Thank you," he says feelingly now, and she nods. 

"Of course."

The two friends gather their belongings together and head through the heavy door and down the stairs back to Gryffindor Tower.


	8. You've Got to Know Who You Are.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin returns to the dormitory to find out that one of his friends is not there and goes to search for him.
> 
> (There are some graphic descriptions of blood, gore, and death in this chapter. The images are IMAGINED by Lupin but still may be traumatic so I'm inserting a WARNING HERE.)

Remus bids Lily goodnight and quietly ascends the stairs to the boys' dormitory. 

Upon reaching the floor of his year, he hears snores emanating from Sirius's four-poster and rattling the bedposts. He goes over to see that his friend has fallen asleep with a book tented across his chest: _Magical Maladies and Mysteries_. 

Clearly James is not the only friend looking into the cause of his apparent illness. "Ah, Sirius," Lupin murmurs with gratitude. Gently he extricates the heavy book off of his friend and lays it atop Sirius' nightstand. He then glances across at James's four-poster.

It is empty.

***

The halls of the castle are dark and silent as Remus passes through them. He figures he ought to check and see if his friend is at the library, since Lily admitted to noticing James there late before. He fervently hopes that James has not gotten himself into trouble by taking books out of the Restricted Section without signed permission from a professor; because James is one of the last people he knows who would ever ask a professor for anything. ...Unless it was life-or-death stuff. Honestly, his friend probably wouldn't ask for help even then.

Stopping in a deep shadow beside a wall, Lupin shivers from the chill rising off the stones as he thinks this research James is doing could very well end up dealing with life and death. If he was to find out that his mate is a werewolf and make the mistake of coming round during Lupin's transformation....

The boy shudders at the thought of what could happen; he sees James's pale face in his mind's eye, his glasses broken and askew and dotted with spots of blood... And then below his head are _gouts_ of it as his throat gets ripped out by his monster of a friend - blood covers Lupin's muzzle, spurting and gargling down into James's torn-open esophagus, lungs, and throat as his body jerks and judders with convulsions that then simply - _stop_.

Stomach churning at the thought, Lupin sprints the rest of the way to the library, heart hammering madly against his ribcage and a cold sweat breaking out across his face.

***

Pushing open the heavy doors of the library carefully so they will not boom or creak, Remus moves down aisles and up them again, weaving between the stacks until at last catching sight of James, with half of his body visible, slumped at a table in the far corner at the back.

He is wearing his Invisibility Cloak, but it had slipped off of his head and right arm as he lay with his left cheek pillowed on an open book, his wand outstretched and giving off a small point of light as it is clutched in his right hand.

"James," Remus whispers; soft at first and then he hisses loudly: "James!" He puts a hand on the other's shoulder and his friend jolts awake, sending his cloak to the floor, whipping his face upright and flourishing his wand. A spark shoots from its tip and Lupin stamps and shoots a thin jet of water quickly to snuff it out. "It's me," he says. "Remus."

"Remus," James mumbles, dragging his hand through his hair before muffling his face. "...Bloody hell. You practically scared the _piss_ out of me!"

"I'm sorry," Lupin responds, truly contrite, though incredibly glad to see his friend awake and unharmed after the horrors of his own imagination. "...I came back to the dormitory and saw Sirius there asleep, so I figured I ought to come and find you." He offers his hand to help James up and his friend takes it, bending and picking up his fallen cloak.

"Thanks mate," James says, his voice scratchy from sleep. He clears his throat. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Well, I ordinarily wouldn't have, but Sirius had a library book and Lily told me that she saw you in here studying late the other day, so I decided to check and see if you were doing that again." Craning his neck to get a look at the spine of James's book, he asks "Whatcha reading? Or should I say, what _were_ you reading before you fell asleep on it?" He gestures to James's face, and the taller boy furiously wipes off a line of dried drool from his chin.

"... Nothing much, looking into the possibility of long-term effects from curses," James returns, closing the book and stuffing it into his bag hurriedly. Then he registered the rest of the words his friend had just said. "Hang _on,_ did you say that you knew where I'd be because LILY talked about me? Are you taking the mick, Lupin?"

"No, I'm not," the other whispered, glancing around the library to check whether or not someone like Filch had heard his friend's voice raised in outburst. He begins to walk out of the place, urging James nonverbally to do the same. He blows out the single lighted lamp they pass and does his best to softly expound upon Lily's words: "We were both studying on the Astronomy Tower tonight, and she... mentioned that she saw you here the other night, late. That's all."

James's expression brightens. "So she talks about me, eh? Which means she's got to be thinking about me too, then. ...So that means I've got a chance!" He flashes a cocksure grin and a spring enters his step.

So much for Remus not getting involved in whatever possible feelings Lily was or was not having... He chastises himself inwardly for potentially giving James false hopes. "I don't really... know what it means, James, if anything; so maybe you should take it slow?"

"Slow. Yeah." James pats Remus on the shoulder absent-mindedly. "...Whatever you say, pal." He is about to duck back under the Invisibility Cloak when Remus stops him.

"Why not stay visible? We can just say that you fell asleep working in the library if we see anyone." Which is the truth, and Remus is so blasted tired of lying about ANYthing --he has broken that habit tonight, and wants to continue. So he insists upon speaking the truth when James side-eyes him.

"Technically that's the truth, I know," James responds. Stuffing his cloak into his book bag haphazardly, he adds "...but it may ruin my reputation." Slinging his bag over his shoulder and pushing open the heavy library doors, James asks "Sooo...you saw Sirius?" 

His tone is heavy with a feeling that Lupin cannot quite discern; at least not unequivocally. There is concern in his voice, yes, but something else too. Regret, or uncertainty--except James Potter has never been uncertain about anything in all the time that Remus Lupin has known him. "Yes, I did. He was passed out asleep," Remus replies and waits patiently. He gets the sense that his friend wishes to bring up something else; perhaps related to Sirius, if only obliquely. 

"...Do you think I'm a, a golden boy, Lupe?" The use of his nickname puts Remus on alert. James does not use it unless he is broaching something incredibly serious. Which has not happened more than two times over the course of their friendship. "I mean," James laces his fingers together, squeezing his hands against each other before running one of them through his forever-messy hair. "--D'you think I go around like I don't have any problems with my life, with anything?"

"Well, you certainly act like you've got a problem with Severus Snape," Remus speaks slowly.

James - rather explosively - sighs. "That isn't what I mean. Sirius said that I don't - can't understand how his family feels about him because I'm 'golden boy James Potter'. And I just wondered..." He shrugs. "I dunno, if - if you feel the same. And if I'm an arse about it." His eyes flicker with definite uncertainty now. 

Lupin is lost for words. He never expected to hear any sort of doubt like this from _James_ ; his consistently unapologetic friend who never seemed to give a crap about what other people thought. He has never seemed afraid to just be himself. Lupin has always admired that. But of course it is stupid, he realises swiftly, to be so certain that James never has doubts or worries. His braggidacio and cockiness are shows that he puts on; just as Remus' calm, studious, gentle demeanor covers and hides myriad roiling thoughts and emotions - not in the least: fear, fury, and violent, uncontrollable bloodlust during the full moon. He wonders now if EVERYBODY at Hogwarts isn't putting on some sort of show as protection, sanity, or a defence mechanism. Who knows? Even Lily may have some hidden insecurities.

"I - never really saw you as an arse," Lupin speaks honestly. "Not for that. You've got to know who you are; you're really lucky to have a pair of loving parents, and you really are good at Quidditch. Also a bit brash, but I've never once doubted that you're here for me," he adds in a rush. Whether that will change if his friend ever finds out about his secret... Remus cuts off that thought and finishes firmly: "Here for all of us. So no, I don't think you're an arse at all, James."

"Not even when I mess with Snape?" James raises his eyebrows, catching the other out. 

"Well, that -- leaves a wee bit to be desired," Remus returns as they stop in front of the Fat Lady.

James laughs. "'Leaves a wee bit to be desired', eh? You sly dog, Lupe -- you've always got such _tact_. Puffskein," he says to the Fat Lady, who shakes her head disapprovingly at them for being out so late even as she swings inward, admitting the two boys into the Common Room. "But hey," James puts out an arm to catch hold of Lupin's and squeezes it as he adds with hazel eyes wide in sincerity, "Thanks for that, mate."

Remus smiles back at his friend. He had meant every word of it. "Of course," he responds, tone gentle as they climb the stairs to their dormitory and crash gratefully onto their respective beds.


	9. On A Mission to Help A Friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is clued into something important. James enlists a surprising source of help.

Sirius Black wakes up the next morning with a sense of purpose. No more whining about his family's ills; his mates need him. Well, one mate in particular.

And he has another classmate who won't leave him alone.

His head is bowed over the library book that he'd awoken to find placed carefully atop his nightstand as he now scribbles notes madly across a crumpled bit of parchment, trying to get a few more ideas down before he has to get to class. He hears a clearing throat and then looks up to see a pair of glowering green eyes lasered in his direction across the hall. He makes a face back and tries to focus again on the book.

Crumpled papers whistle through the air, one strikes him on the head, another hitting the leg of the table, a third upsetting his inkwell. "Augh!" He spits. "Piss off!" 

"Now you know how it _feels_ ," a girl's voice hisses. He rolls his eyes and does not acknowledge it.

And then he hears a _WHUMP! _and a huge textbook slams down right in front of his face, accompanied - as he looks up - by the raised chin and bright green gaze of Lily Evans.__

__"Ignore me all you like, but I suggest a look at page 394 if you really want to help your friend." She stalks away before he can make a reply, or even figure out what he would say in response. Looking at the book she dropped in front of him, Sirius vaguely recognises it as their Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook, though his copy had been bought and subsequently dropped into the bottom of his trunk; reading textbooks for classes goes against his typical seat-of-the-pants learning style._ _

Deliberately scratching out the end of a sentence in his personal notes, Sirius dips his quill into the last vestiges of ink before flicking the drips off the edge of his parchment. Slowly dragging the book Lily gave him on top of the one he had been reading and grumbling to himself all the while, Sirius opens it and flips to page three hundred ninety four.

He stares at the snarling picture of a wolf that greets him, underneath is a caption with the term 'LYCAN' as well as a classification. And below the picture in bold curling script is the word _Werewolf_.

***

"... You're putting me on!" James bursts out almost angrily as Sirius slides into his chair in History of Magic, explaining to his friend what he had discovered. Professor Binns has not yet passed through the wall and into the classroom, so their conversation (and Sirius's lateness) goes unnoticed.

Lowering his voice to a hiss, James Potter now continues "... We've been going on like this is a curse, or something that can be CURED, and now you're telling me there's nothing we can learn about or do to help Lupin? He's gonna have to -- keep going through hell?"

"Not necessarily, mate," Sirius murmurs. "There may be some things we can still do...,"

Lupin hears the anger in James's voice from where he sits, if not the words themselves; the majority of his professors have come to the conclusion over the years that he, Sirius, James, and Peter must be split up in class or nothing is liable to ever get done. The fact that Sirius still sits next to James in this class is a testament to how little Professor Binns pays attention to specific students. He has drifted through the wall at last and starts the lesson now. Remus does his best to focus; the absolute last thing he needs is to be told off for not paying attention in class by a habitually late _ghost_.

It is just that he feels so much lighter after telling Lily his secret, truly happy for the first time in he does not know when. It is an unencumbered joy that he feels not to be utterly alone anymore. One person knowing the truth of who and what he is, though she can never tell, makes him feel phenomenal.

He only wishes that his other friends could know the truth too.

***

"'Werewolves are some of the only magical creatures that actively search out - and hunt - human flesh.'" Sirius reads. "Meaning we can't come up with a scheme to visit Lupin during his transformation."

"Right." James nods. "...we don't want to put your grisly murder on Lupe's conscience."

"Whoa, whoa, why would it be _my_ murder?" Sirius demands.

"Because you're the one out of all of us who'd do something that idiotically rash."

"Ha ha, that's hil _ar_ ious!" Sirius laughs sarcastically. 

"I thought so," his friend smirks. Sirius rolls his eyes. Slapping his palm onto the table, James now grows serious. "So, you got any bright ideas since you're so certain Lupin is a werewolf, Sirius? Why _are_ you so sure about this, anyway?"

 _Because Lily told me this VERY SPECIFIC textbook page would help._ Yeah. No way is he saying that --besides, how could SHE know for sure? That will be a question Sirius ponders on a rainy day in the distant future, if he is stuck in prison or someplace where there's nothing to do. But for now... "Listen, it makes sense," he tells James. "Look, 'before each transformation, the afflicted wizard - or Muggle', poor buggers probably wouldn't even realise what was happening - 'appears sickly and pale, wan. Their body loses nutrients that are then replenished during the full moon. The transformation process is said to be incredibly painful, and lasts from several days to more than a week at once.' It fits with how bloody long he's gone AND how often -- no one's mum gets sick and better then sick then better as often as Remus' supposedly does. Either she's always sick, or completely fine."

"...Which begs the question of why Lupin would lie to us about all this for so long," adds James.

"I dunno, but he must've had a reason," Sirius says loyally and shrugs. "Maybe he thought it'd freak us out."

"Has he _MET_ us??" James retorts, not pacified in the least. "No - there's got to be another explanation." James taps his fingers against the table and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"I got it!" They have left History of Magic and are sitting at a table in the Great Hall for their morning break - James, Sirius, and Peter - while Lupin is taking Arithmacy because he's a nerd like that. Sirius strikes the table with a slap of his palm and now shakes a finger at James. "He thought he would hurt us, mate. I bet - because humans are the best prey. Wonder how he's keepin' himself stable while he's here around everyone all the time?" Sirius pauses as he thinks about how difficult it must be to hold back something that is a part of your nature to keep everyone else safe. Going over that now causes him to gain an entirely new level of respect for his friend. Remus is a badass. "Err...maybe we can help him somehow." Sirius pushes hair behind his ears in some excitement, but his smile wanes as he looks down at the pages again, the pictures of blood and bodies and the overwhelming information about how werewolves are _non-human_ , their minds non-existent, gone during the full moon. "...How can we help him, James? If he stays round the castle, but we can't go near him as humans, I mean."

"...What if we weren't human, though?" Peter muses dreamily from where he had come over, leaning against the table and munching on an apple he had gotten from somewhere. The kid is always eating apples or cheese or some such. Sirius snatches the fruit from his hand.

"Oh, yeah, like we can just choose NOT to be human. Great input there, Peter. _Stellar_ suggestion," the long-haired boy snaps sarcastically. Peter looks hurt.

But then James's eyes bug out. "Holy- that's it! Petey, you're a genius! Why didn't I think-?"

"I am?" Peter is stunned.

"He is? I'd say that's more than a bit of a stretch," Sirius cracks, taking a noisy bite of the apple and spraying the other two with drops of juice.

"No no no, look - McGonagall told us in Transfiguration about Animagi, right? _That's_ what we can do to help Remus out - we can all learn how to be an Animagus. Hang with him during the full moon as ANIMALS." James widens his eyes significantly and punches his friend's shoulders in joy.

"Ow, well how're we going to do that, then?" Sirius complains, rubbing his shoulder, for once not bothering with a taunt about his friend actually listening to a professor. "...She _also_ said it was serious magic, if I remember right. Where the hell would we even start learning how to do it?"

James grows shifty, moving himself on the bench. "Ah, well, I may have a bit of a plan on that front," he admits to the others. It involves breaking one of his self-appointed rules of not asking adults for help, specifically strict professors who apparently make it a habit to know what he and his best mates are up to, but desperate times as they say.

***

"Thank you for seeing me, Professor."

"Well Mr. Potter, it's not often that you seem so genuinely interested in one of my lessons. Please have a seat."


	10. To Take a Leap of Faith.

Minerva McGonagall has seen a lot in her years as a Transfiguration professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She has seen many different sorts of students come and go, and has gotten rather adept at reading and understanding the young witches and wizards in her care. At least, most of the time. 

But she finds herself completely befuddled when James Potter asks to see her in connection to a Transfiguration lesson that he was intrigued by and had several questions about. This was the same young man who had previously sworn up and down that the only reason he would need to Transfigure anything in “real life” as he put it, was if he was unable to perform any _useful_ magic. Yet here he is, standing in her office. Wonders will never cease. She genuinely adores this job. There are always, always surprises.

James now sits before her desk in the sturdy yet not-overly-comfortable chair, smoothing his trousers with his hands and wondering if he has made an enormous mistake. His Transfiguration professor and the head of his House (which is also causing him to sweat, because she can certainly discover what he is up to far more easily than other professors who do not spend as much time with him) looks over her spectacles sternly. “Now. What aspect of my lessons has you so intrigued? Not turning water to rum, I hope,” she snaps, appearing even more stern, if that is possible. “I trust the members of my House enough not to be enamored by something like that.”

“No, not at all,” James assures swiftly with a smile. He can do this. He just has to butter her up. “I actually…want to know some more about Animagi. You being an Animagus, it’s pretty, well, interesting. Actually, amazing. And, erm, what I really want to know is if someone were to want to learn the practical spellwork and er… the application for that sort of Transfiguration, what could they do?” He presses his hands together underneath the edge of the desk. This is surprisingly nerve-racking for him. He is far better at outright lying to get what he wants than omitting portions of the truth to protect other people whilst simultaneously trying to help those same people by admitting as much of the truth as he feels able to tell… not to mention that Professor McGonagall is no fool. She is studying him with intensity as he squirms.

“Dare I ask whether or not these queries of yours tend towards a specific purpose, Mr. Potter?”

Biting his lip, James decides to wing it and tell her the truth. “I’m trying to help out a mate of mine. He’s a good mate with a…hairy little problem.” He nearly smiles at his wit, because he is not lying about this—Lupin’s lycanthropy would most certainly be considered a problem, and it is definitely a hairy one.

The stern witch presses her lips together, but James does not expect what happens next. Her features soften with what appears to be understanding before she turns away to look through a bookshelf behind her desk. She takes out a thick book and lays it upon the desk in front of him. “I would suggest starting here, with this tome - _Physical Transfiguration Processes_.” Waving her wand over the book, the professor then pushes it over to him. “This is yours now. It should help, but do be careful, Potter.” Nodding at him and folding her hands at her waist, the professor leans back a little, spine straight in her high-backed chair and adds “Mr. Lupin is lucky to have you as a friend.”

James stares at her, not quite believing what he had just heard. How could she have figured out of whom he spoke? Unless she already knew, which meant— He freezes with hands over the book and opens his mouth to ask a million questions, but she waves him away.

“That should be enough to assist you, and it’s all I can do.”

Realising he is being dismissed, James picks up the book and thanks her.

“I have put my faith in you, Mr. Potter,” she tells him severely. “Please do not let that faith become misplaced.”

“No ma’am,” he assures her. “I won't." And he means it, more than he has ever meant anything. He has to help Lupin, and this is the way. And though James does not know exactly what could happen to Professor McGonagall if it became known that she had given this book to him, he is certain it would not be good. He will keep this secret and safe for his friend, and for his teacher. She isn't so bad, really. "Have a good night, Professor,” he now says.

“You as well, Potter,” she replies. “And do try not to take too long of a detour back to your dormitory, please.” He winks and waves. 

She shakes her head resignedly but looks after him with fondness in her eyes as he exits her office and heads back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

***

“I’ve got it, Sirius,” James whispers excitedly. It has been a couple of days since he spoke to Professor McGonagall, and he has been poring over the book that she gave him ever since they met. “Peter, hey! I know how we can help Remus, look.” He flips open the Transfiguration book he had been given. “It’s all right here.”

Sirius looks over his friend’s shoulder, peering closely at all of the diagrams and information. He is nearly struck speechless. “Whoa, this is…amazing,” he says finally. “How’d you get McGonagall to give it up? What’d you tell her?”

“Erm, the truth.” James shrugs as the other boy’s eyes bug out. “She was surprisingly cool with it.”

Sirius whistles. “Wow.”

Peter sees Lupin come through the door of the Common Room now. He is heading in their general direction and so Peter nudges James, who looks up.

“Oh, there he is! Oi, Lupin! C’mere for a sec,” James calls.

Remus ducks his face as he moves past other students sitting in armchairs near the fire, a couple snogging, and the Prewett brothers playing an explosive game of Wizard Chess that seemed to involve actual explosions whenever one of the brothers took out the other’s piece. The room is noisy and full of life, boisterous due in part to the dreary, foggy weather outside.

Lily Evans smiles warmly from her spot by the window as she catches Remus's eye on his passage through the room. He waves back at her gladly before growing a trifle concerned as he moves on towards the place where his other friends are sitting.

The way his mates have been acting recently seems to suggest they are hiding something, but he is not certain if that is actually the case or if his own penchant for hiding an integral part of himself is causing him to project his personal worries onto them. James certainly looks pleased to see him now, as does Sirius. Peter – well, Remus has long been aware and has accepted the fact that none of his everyday doings are nearly exciting enough to put Peter in awe of him the way James and Sirius do. Which he is perfectly all right with.

Lupin comes to the corner table where James and Sirius sit, rather squashed beside the wall with Peter alongside. “Hello, lads,” he says hesitantly sitting next to James.

“Remus,” James shifts to look him in the eyes and speaks seriously. “…We—me and the boys—we know what you are. We figured it out.”

Remus starts shaking with dread. Oh, no. Now is the part where James calls him a monster and Sirius says they cannot be friends anymore. And Peter will follow suit, as always. Lupin closes his eyes and swallows hard.

And then he hears: “—and we figured out something that’ll let us come with you, to help you out.” continues James. “It’s not TOO hard to become an Animagus. Well, actually it is, but the payoff will totally be worth it. We can join you every month as animals! Cool, eh?”

Remus blinks hard, not believing his ears. “James, you…you can’t. Honestly, why,” his throat clicks as he tries to swallow the lump that has lodged in it. They cannot mean this, can they? “Why would you do this for me?”

“When you care about somebody, sometimes you’ve got to take a leap of faith.” James speaks up, gripping his friend by the shoulder.

“We’re right with you, Remus. All the way. I told you I’d be here for you, mate,” Sirius chimes in.

“I’m with them,” Peter squeaks. “We’re the marauders, aren’t we?”

Remus looks around at his three best friends with tears standing in his eyes. He cannot believe or comprehend how he could have been so lucky in his life’s people, for them not only to do their own research diligently because they did not believe that nothing was wrong with him and so wanted to help, but because they are all offering to do an intense and long-term bit of magic to ensure he is no longer suffering his transformations by himself… He does not know how to tell them what this means. The words ‘thank you’ are not enough.

Lupin swallows hard and opens his arms. The four boys all move together for a hug, patting one another on the back. James grips Lupin’s opposite shoulder, arm around his back, and Sirius leans his head against his friend’s as Peter leans in too, his shorter, stouter bulk completing their circle. 

For the first time in Remus Lupin’s life, it seems that the sky has opened and things are looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to J.K. Rowling for creating these lovely characters of whom I greatly enjoy writing about.
> 
> I see this as taking place in the marauders' Third Year, as Lupin told Harry that it took two years for them to become full Animagi, and that happened during the course of their Fifth Year. But honestly, if my readers see it as a different year, that is perfectly acceptable :)
> 
> The title of this piece was inspired by a lyric from the song "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie: _"[...] And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night"_ which is, I think, the perfect way to describe how his friends - and how I feel - about Remus Lupin. 
> 
> Thank you very much for reading.


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